3 Tools to Shift Your Money Mindset and Connect with Your Partner

What happens when you have a toxic, or even just tenuous, relationship with money? How does that impact the relationship with your partner?

My husband and I didn’t argue about much. But when it came to money, we had serious conflict. When I cleaned up my thoughts about money, and then learned to communicate cleanly about money, my relationship with David radically improved.

I learned to replace shame with curiosity.

Then I used that curiosity to understand my husband’s relationship to money without judgement.

And because of that culture—of curiosity and a lack of judgement—we have been able to get much clearer about our shared goals.

I used to resent his spending. He used to feel controlled by my saving.

Now that’s gone. And in place of resentment and control, we have an open dialogue about how we can use our money to buy more of what’s valuable to us, and spend less on things we find wasteful.

Until you’re willing to have a high-level conversation about money with your partner, you end up nickel and diming each other, filling your money conversations with scarcity and blame.

 

A 3-part series about money and relationships

This week we’ll take the eagle view when it comes to money in your relationship. Do you remember my number ONE tool when it comes to cultivating your happily ever after? Staying in your own business. That’s crucial when it comes to conversations about money.

This is a 3-part series. Next week I’ll tell you the story of my son’s journey through learning to earn, spend, and save money. In week 3, we’ll dive into specific numbers, percentages, and best practices.

I’m not a certified financial planner, so we’ll be looking at money through my lens as a Life Coach: we’ll look at your habits, your systems, and the language you use when communicating about money.

With the eagle perspective in mind, today let’s talk about three key factors that will improve your relationship when it comes to money and connection. The three factors are:

1. Noticing. The ability to notice your actions and the actions of your partner without judgement.
2. Curiosity. Can you bring a sense of genuine curiosity—rather than a sense of blame or shame—to the conversation?
3. Values. When you can notice without judgement and get honestly curious, you will be able to discover what you value, and what your partner values. A shared understanding about values will bring much more intimacy to your relationship with your partner.

 

The power of noticing

If you are one of my private clients, you are used to hearing me say, “Good to notice.” If I don’t have the good fortune to coach you privately, and/or if the idea of simply noticing yourself—and here’s the key: noticing yourself without judgement—is foreign to you, I’ll link to a blog and a podcast where I previously discussed this unsexy—but super-powerful–tool.

Money is emotional. Where we’re emotional, we’re likely to be judgmental.

• You bought another coat?? When I was growing up, we got 1 winter coat. What is this your fifth coat? Can you hear the judgment: you’re a coat hog.
• You eat out every day for lunch! That’s costing us a fortune! Can you hear the judgment: you’re lazy because you won’t make your own lunch.
• You gave how much to Red Cross? Can you hear the judgment: you should discuss big expenditures with me.

Frankly, we can’t help being judgmental. It’s engrained in our nature.

I see people all the time, trying to disguise their judgments. But then it’s just more toxic because you’re trying to hide it.

This sort of toxicity is deadly to your relationship.

Money is a very emotional subject. But it’s also very numerical. Numbers have one answer. Emotions never have an answer. When you can disengage the numbers from the emotions you have a chance at making a change.

So how do you address judgmental attitudes if they’re second nature?

You learn to get curious.

 

Curiosity is the key to ending the blame/shame game

Please don’t allow blame and shame to have free reign in your relationship. Instead let’s get curious about all those judgements you noticed a moment ago:

• Wow! You’re buying another coat! Tell me what this coat does that’s different than your other 4 jackets.
• I notice you like to buy your lunch most days. Tell me why you enjoy spending your money that way.
• Wow! That was a big check you just wrote to the Red Cross. Something must have happened to inspire that. Can you tell me the whole story?

I chose these three examples on purpose.

My husband loves coats. I love to go out for lunch. There’s a lot we learned about each other getting curious about our expenditures rather than blaming each other because we value different things.

 

Let’s look at the first example: The check written to The Red Cross

This example lets me tell you my favorite line when it comes to curiosity: tell me the WHOLE story.

The next time you’re tempted to blame your partner for the way they spend money, use this phrase to calm your insides and to illicit information from your partner: Tell me the WHOLE story.

When you ask your partner to tell you the WHOLE story about how they spend money, you get information you didn’t have. You get to hear about what your partner values.

I have a client who wrote a huge check to The Red Cross before talking to their partner. During our session, I asked my client to tell the WHOLE story about writing that check.

A story came out about a crisis my client had endured as a child. My client’s parent was a rescue worker who’d been called to the scene of a drowning while my 9-year-old client was in the car running errands.

This client witnessed the entire scene—the body being dragged to shore, the mother screaming, and the entire pandemonium. No one ever thought to talk to my client about what they’d seen as a child.

Cut to last week when my client was watching the news. There was coverage of a flood and suddenly my client was sweating. In my office we talk about caring for the child inside you and, fortunately, my client was able to realize this news program was triggering this sweaty, anxiety-filled response.

My client grabbed hold of a pillow—just like we do in my office—and said to the pillow, “I see you, little 9-year-old. You’re not alone. I’m here to help. What do you need?”

In taking the bold action of writing that big check, my client was caring not just for the flood victims, but also for themself.

Do you know what happened in my office? The partner stood up and wrapped my client in a hug. “Oh Baby. I never knew that happened to you. I’m so sorry. You’ve raised yourself alone over and over and over.” There was no mention of the big check. Just hugs. Love. Intimacy and understanding.

This is what happens when we get curious and ask for the WHOLE story.

 

The WHOLE story about coats to hear a money mindset

When I asked my husband to tell me the whole story about coats, I learned a lot about what he values. My husband has a coat that is really good at shedding the wind. He also has a coat that breathes really well when he’s sweaty.

In the early years of hanging out with my husband, I wore the same coat for everything we did. I remember a time we were hiking up a mountain and the wind kicked up. I put on every layer I had and, still, I was really cold.

Then David gave me his tiny—looked like nothing–windbreaker.

Instantly, I warmed up. It was thin, and I resisted the coat at first thinking, how is that tiny jacket gonna make a difference when I’ve got four pairs of overalls on and my teeth are still chattering?

But that thin little coat did the trick.

Likewise, on the same trip, as I hiked uphill, I got sweaty. Then, when we’d pause to catch our breath, I quickly became chilled. The constant hot/cold/hot/cold was making me feel weird.

I was getting sweaty as I hiked up hill. But then, each time we paused, all that sweat quickly turned into an ice bath and gave me a chill. Again, my husband had a solution, “Trade me jackets, he suggested.” His coat breathed and let all my sweat escape, but kept me warm even when we paused.

I don’t spend as much time outside hiking or biking or boating or skiing as David does. But those two coats taught me why he valued their differences so much.

I got to understand the whole story about coats. Have you ever heard the phrase, “there’s no bad weather, just bad gear?” This is my husband’s go-to. He has a coat for everyone each time they’re cold.

When I got curious about his coat obsession, and witnessed how often he pulls a coat out of his backpack and hands it to someone who’s shivering, I saw his spending differently.

My husband uses coats to nurture. To nurture himself surely, but also to nurture others. Our children have always wanted to play outside in foul weather because he’s always kept them warm. What a tender way to care for your kids, right?

Now, let’s listen to my whole story when it comes to eating lunch at a restaurant.

 

The WHOLE story about lunch to hear a money mindset

I cook. That’s one way I nurture people. I take folks warm, fresh bread and a pot of soup when they’re hurting, and I welcome people in the door by asking if they’re hungry.

But if I want to nurture myself? I want someone else to cook for me.

The middle of a work day, when I’ve been coaching or writing stories to share with you, I need a break and the best break I can take is to let someone else feed me. Literally.

Going out for lunch is relatively new for me. I’ve always felt like it was a special treat to go out for lunch, but I was never willing to spend the money. I’m more likely to want to save money than to spend money.

But I’ve been listening to Ramit Sethi’s podcast, Money for Couples. Ramit says there are three skills when it comes to money that everyone needs to learn:

• You need to learn how to earn
• You need to learn how to save
• And you need to learn how to spend

I was best at saving. Second best at earning. But I was lousy at spending.

You know what happens when you are lousy at spending? Your money piles up and you grow a hoarder’s mentality. Yes, you need to save enough to take care of future you, but, once you’ve secured your future, let your money nourish you.

For money to nourish you, you need to learn how to spend it in a way that truly feeds your strongest values.

One of David’s top values is to spend time outdoors. He wants to be comfortable as he hikes and bikes and skis. He also wants to keep all the people he loves warm while they’re outside.

Each time David buys a coat, he’s nurturing that value of self-care and care for others. He uses money to buy better outdoor experiences with the people he loves. This deepens his relationships.

One of my top values is nurturing other people. I like to give my energy to helping people feel seen and understood. Then I love to help those same people find systems or new ways of thinking that will maximize their gifts and ambitions.

I love pouring myself into conversations like that. And then, I need to refill my tank. When I take myself out for lunch, I nourish the part of me that likes to eat good food and the part of me that wants to sit silently so I’m ready to listen again.

 

Can you hear how getting curious about your partner’s money mindset clarifies your values?

Both David and I value relationships. That’s where we could agree. But we went about cultivating relationships differently.

I talk with people and listen. David plays outside with people.

While our values are aligned—we both want to be more and more kind to the people we love—the way we spend money to achieve that value is different.

Before I got curious about all the coats, I felt like David was wasting money. But once I understood the core value that drove his spending, I ceased to be resentful each time a new coat appeared in our home.

When you can understand the core value that drives your own spending as well as the core value that drives your partner’s spending, your conversations about money will have a radically different flavor.

 

A few cautions to curiosity and noticing

If you can truly notice the numbers and get curious about the value that drives spending without judgement, intimacy with your partner is sure to follow.

But it’s tricky to notice without judgement. As I’ve already mentioned, and you’re probably aware, it’s not just easy to be judgmental, it’s kind of the go-to. We think other people spend “wrong” and we spend “right.”

So here’s 3 tips to ensure your curious noticing leads to the discovery of your values rather than simply devolving into shame and blame:

1. You have a negativity bias
2. You are hard-wired to want to be right
3. Blame causes more shame, and shame is toxic to your relationship

Let’s take them one by one.

 

The impact of negativity bias

You’re going to focus on the negative stuff first. We are biologically programmed to notice what’s frightening, uncomfortable, or out of sync with our environment. These are the dangers that keep our system alert. This is called your negativity bias.

The ability to focus on what’s dangerous kept our ancestors safe from the Saber-Toothed Tiger on the wild savannah.

Your negativity bias is great when it comes to keeping you safe.

But I’ve never seen a Saber-Toothed Tiger. Have you?

When I stopped and asked myself, “Is David’s spending on coats threatening my livelihood?” there was a tiny voice inside me that said YES! He’s spending money wastefully! This tiny voice—that sometimes wasn’t so tiny—is my desire to be RIGHT and prove that David is WRONG. We’ll talk about this in just a moment.

The best way to deal with your negativity bias is to name it. Hello Rebecca whose scared David will spend all our money.

Naming my fear out loud allows me to tame the fear.

Then I think of the worst-case scenario: David spends all our money on coats. Just naming my fear that this is the worst-case scenario helps me because I laugh. I imagine a home with closets so brimming with coats we can’t close them and then I see the coats turn into a river and flow over every surface of our house.

This crazy scenario helps me loosen my grip on what was an honest fear just a moment ago David will spend ALL our money on coats.

When I see coats leaking all over our house, my fear disappears because David is a much tidier person than me. He would never let us own so many coats that we can’t find the couch.

When you picture the worst-case scenario, almost every time you can see how absurd that thought is, which loosens your grip on the certainty you had with that negativity bias alert.

 

The powerful need to be right

Imagine your ancestors who lived in a nomadic tribe. Their very livelihood depended on acceptance in that tribe. If you were “wrong” about anything significant, the tribe would kick you out: literally out into the cold where you would almost surely starve to death.

This is the history we have with needing to be RIGHT instead of WRONG. Plus, it just feels good to be right. Right?

Sometimes I hear people argue over the brand of dishwasher detergent to buy with the same fervor of tribal excommunication. “This brand is better. Your brand doesn’t get the dishes clean!” and the retort is, “What a ridiculous waste of money! If you simply rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher, you don’t have to flush all that money down the drain.”

In one session with a couple, I took the time to turn to the numbers. The difference between the two dishwasher soap brands was 52 cents. We multiplied 52 cents times 12 months of the year for a grand total of $6.24.

I asked them how often they fought about the dishwasher soap. “At least once a month,” they said.

“How much pain and angst does that argument bring you,” I asked.

They both laughed. “Well, we just paid over $200 to come see you!”

“If you could agree that the 52 cents seems worth it to the person who likes the dishes a little cleaner and doesn’t always want to rinse, you would give yourself 32 years argument free when it comes to the dishwasher soap. Would that be worth the price of your session today?” I asked.

They laughed again.

But they saw my point. When you actually notice the numbers—the real numbers—you see the small change about which you’re arguing for the sake of being RIGHT when what you really want is to live in peace and harmony.

 

Stop the blame. Name the shame.

OK. We’ve talked about the three elements to get your money mindset in good shape: noticing without judgment, curiosity, and a focus on values.

And we’ve named two things that make it challenging to stay curious and free from judgment: your negativity bias and your desire to be RIGHT.

Now let’s turn to the final stumbling block: shame and blame.

I think anyone listening would agree with me that you value peace and harmony over shame and blame. Correct?

Money tends to be a place where we do a lot of finger-pointing: this is blaming. My belief is that much of that finger-pointing comes because we are actually more ashamed of the way we spend money ourselves.

Internal shame is the source of much blame. So let’s address it.

When you look at your deepest values, sometimes what you see is that YOU are not spending in alignment with those values.

There was a precise correlation when I began treating myself to the occasional lunch and my resentment about the new coat David purchased.

I let myself feel ashamed, “I shouldn’t spend $15 on lunch out when there are so many people who can’t even afford to eat, let alone eat out!”

This shame didn’t feed anyone. If I’d taken that $15 and given it to someone who was hungry, I may have had a different conversation. But oftentimes we don’t do this, right? We just harbor that shame, holding onto it like some righteous piety.

And that piety spills out in blame. I blamed my coat-buying husband, “You’re so selfish. Why do you need another coat?”

But when I learned to care for myself by going out for the occasional lunch, I was not only tolerant, but actually glad David bought the coat he wanted.

I invite you to notice how your internal shame turns into external blame.

Here’s a couple examples:

• When you’re tempted to say, “What?! You bought ANOTHER coat?!” instead you say, “Tell me the WHOLE story about buying this coat.” Or you could say, “Tell me the WHOLE story about why eating out at lunch makes you happy. “The WHOLE story phrase works to wake up your curiosity and it reminds you that you want to notice the values behind your partner’s purchase: Tell me the WHOLE story … about why spending money in this particular way makes you happy.
• How much money are we really arguing about? Let’s notice the numbers. How much are we arguing about in dollars and cents? Is this amount of money worth the conflict we’re creating? This is a great phrase to employ so that you recognize the actual dollar value that’s causing so much conflict. Once you really notice the insignificance of the number, I invite you to have a follow up phrase; something like, I don’t want $6.24 to cause this much strife between the two of us. I don’t value a better dishwasher detergent, but I value you. And, if this is important to you, I want to support you cheerfully rather than shaming you with my resentment.
• I want to appreciate how you want to spend money. Can you help me understand how this expenditure helps you live your rich life?

I told you I’ve been listening to Ramit Sethi’s podcast, Money for Couples. He uses this phrase a lot: what is your rich life?

That’s another way to talk about spending money on what you value.

My rich life is to always buy organic raspberries every time I go to the store. When David was in medical school, berries were a rare treat because my grocery budget was small.

These days I feel RICH every time I waltz by the organic berry spot in the grocery store and I put a container of raspberries into my cart. I don’t even look at the price that’s how rich I am.

What phrase can you use to stop arguing about the small expenditures and, instead, cultivate the underlying values that you and your partner share? Notice how the way you spend money to achieve those values may look different between you and your partner.

I’d love to hear the phrase you come up with. Text me at 970-210-4480 and let me know your phrase. I’d love to be able to capture a host of these phrases to share with you on another show. Other people would love to borrow from what you find.