Are you in a codependent relationship?
Even though you’ve asked your partner over and over to wipe up their crumbs after making a sandwich, do you—with pursed lips and a tense jaw—wipe up the crumbs? When your partner says something insensitive, do you cover for them by saying something like, “They’ve had such a bad week at work. I’m so sorry.”
With a lot of my private coaching clients, we talk about cluelessness and codependence, so I decided to create a short series.
- Last week we looked at cluelessness.
- This week, we talk about codependence. You’ll get a habit to practice as well as a script to help you communicate more effectively with your partner.
- Next week, we’ll talk about the negative dynamic that results when you have a combination of cluelessness and codependence in your relationship.
If you’d prefer to read a transcript of this episode, click here.
Symptoms of a codependent relationship
You might want to examine your codependent tendencies if:
- Your partner regularly complains “stop trying to control me.”
- You have trouble knowing what you want or what you feel. It might be easy for you to say what other people want or feel, but when it comes to yourself, that’s much more difficult to identify.
- You have trouble setting boundaries. This stems from your fear of being abandoned, so you accommodate the ones you love so they won’t leave you.
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Degrees of codependency
Codependence is steeped in a fear of abandonment and low self-worth. Because of that fear, the codependent person seeks to control their environment and their partner.
It’s counter-intuitive but the codependent person imagines their partner wouldn’t survive without them. The codependent person doesn’t know how to value their own feelings and needs. Instead, they find their value in the ability to help their partner thrive, or maybe just plain survive.
This is convenient for the codependent because they are so busy being useful in their partner’s life that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own life, feelings, or desires. They can just live through their partner.
To what degree do you feel you have a codependent relationship?
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to notice your own desire. To notice where you have agency to quench that desire.
How do you LET GO of control in your codependent relationship?
I always believe in starting with compassion. Always. Do you know why? Because love heals everything. Especially self-love.
If you have codependence tendencies, you were likely brought up with the value that it is your JOB to make everyone happy. So, it’s no wonder you want to repeat that cycle.
Letting go of codependency is about releasing control (and agency) back to all the people you’re trying to control.
That sounds awful, right? It’s terrifying to let go of control.
Well, it’s a practice. So be kind to yourself and start small. Find that tiny spot where you CAN manage to let go of control.
As you begin to release that control, you’ll find you rely less on that codependent relationship and form a deeper connection with your partner and yourself.
Date Night Discussion
When you are ready to take on this practice of letting go of your codependent behaviors, I’m going to suggest you consult a script to help you talk to your partner. You can read the script I created here or listen to it in the podcast episode.
Then, during your date night discussion, you can make your partner aware of how you’re feeling, and how you want to change.
How about you?
How does codependency show up in your relationship?
If you feel that you have the tendencies of codependence, I invite you to listen to my podcast episode about the love well to further understand these patterns in your relationship.
Click here to read the full text of this podcast episode.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
