Every relationship has a dynamic.
It’s likely that you and your partner are opposites in this clueless/codependent dance. Most likely one of you have a tendency to be more codependent and the other has a tendency to be more clueless.
So how does this clueless and codependent relationship dynamic impact you?
With a lot of my private coaching clients, we talk about cluelessness and codependence, so I decided to create a short series.
- Two weeks ago, I recorded an episode that looked at cluelessness.
- Last week we talked about codependence.
- Today, we’ll talk about the negative dynamic that results when you have a
combination of cluelessness and codependence in your relationship. You’ll get a habit to practice as well as a script to help you communicate more effectively with your partner.
If you’d prefer to read a transcript of this episode, click here.
How does the clueless and codependent relationship dynamic impact you?
In this episode, I tell you the story of Codependent Colleen and Clueless Clarissa. Clarissa constantly forgets to pick the kids up from school, and Colleen frequently makes excuses for Clarissa’s behavior and handles all the details of life by herself.
Colleen’s tendencies toward control have landed them in a codependent relationship, and it’s not helping Clarissa wake up from her cluelessness. As you listen to the story, think about where you relate most and notice how you and your partner BOTH contribute to this dynamic that neither of you likes.
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Why the clueless and codependent relationship dynamic is so common
A codependent person wants to find their worth in “fixing” the clueless person. This desire to “fix” could come from many places, but what I see most is a desire to feel worthy. The codependent person unconsciously thinks, “I’ll be worthy of love if I fix this other person.”
Let’s understand this codependent person with some compassion. The codependent person wasn’t brought up knowing they are worthy of love because they were born. So, they learn to control a situation to make it fit one of the myriad of conditions that make them loveable.
There’s always a RULE. Love gets dispensed after the rule is upheld. Ergo, you love me when you maintain the rules.
Clueless people get attracted to codependent people because their survival depends upon it.
Codependent people get attracted to clueless people because, unconsciously, they are desperate to learn how to go with the flow. Codependent people don’t know how to let go of control because their WORTH depends on that very vigilance. But they are attracted to the clueless person who seems to have found another way.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to get curious about the clueless and codependent dynamic between you and your partner.
When you can be curious about the reason your partner is clueless or codependent compassion comes flooding in. That compassion softens all the rough edges and you are free to love the person who’s been frustrating you.
Here’s three questions to fire up your curiosity:
Keep the precise moment you identified in mind as you explore this series of questions.
- What is it about my partner’s cluelessness/codependence that really bugs me? Name the cluelessness/codependence with precision.
- Next ask yourself what is my partner responding to in me when they behave that way? This question invites you to look at the dynamic between the two of you.
- Finally, ask yourself the question that searches for an escape hatch from that hamster wheel of reaction. What can I do differently that creates a different dynamic?
Date Night Discussion
This week I invite you to thank your partner for the very thing that is bugging you.
Have a very short discussion and thank your sweetheart for the part of them—clueless or codependent—that has helped you to grow.
How about you?
As you listened to the episode, did you find that you were more clueless or codependent in your relationship? Were you able to pinpoint the ways this dynamic affects your relationship?
Text me at (970)-210-4480 and let me know.
Click here to read the full text of this podcast episode.
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