143: Dating the Partner: The Date Night Most Couples Skip

The Lover role in your relationship asks, “Do you make my life exciting?”

The Friend asks, “Do you really know me?”

And the Partner asks, “Can I rely on you?”

Remember my framework of Partner, Lover, Friend? I’ve identified 3 roles inside your singular relationship: Partners want to achieve together. Friends assure each other we belong together. Lovers want to explore together.

1. Valentine’s Day is coming up and there is a lot of pressure to have THE PERFECT date, but I want to challenge this notion of THE PERFECT date.
2. Instead, I’d like to talk about great dates for the three roles inside your relationship. Let’s break it down into three episodes to talk about each role: Partner, Friend, and Lover.
3. Today we’re talking about designing a great date for the Partner inside your relationship.

The Partner builds unity

Over the years, as my husband and I have gotten more and more bonded as Partners, I feel this deep sense of pride in what we’ve accomplished as teammates. He is my safest place. My intention today is to help you identify the kind of date that builds The Partner role in your relationship.

A Partner feels intimacy when they help you or when you help them. Life comes with a lot of details. The Partner is all about support with those details.

The great thing about dating The Partner is that you and your sweetheart get to share a sense of accomplishment. When you achieve alongside your sweetheart, pride of completion unites the two of you as teammates.

When you get good at the skills the Partner brings to your relationship, a unity builds in your relationship that is heart-stoppingly gorgeous.

Dating the Partner = less conflict

I think of the Partner role in your relationship like the engine of your relationship. The Partner keeps you warm and well fed. The Partner takes care of the details in life. When you keep that engine oiled and well maintained, you have far less conflict.

A lot of conflict arises because the Partner has been neglected. There’s no clarity about chores and shared work. Fairness is a big argument when the Partner has been neglected.

But wow! When you really tend to the Partner role in your relationship, you create deep bonds of teamwork and togetherness.

The key skills you’ll develop over time as you practice dating your Partner are leadership and the ability to follow.

I tell you 3 stories

In this episode, you’ll hear how Nicky and Faye had to LEARN how to share their money, how Brandi and Kevin had to learn how to pack for an adventure together, and how Abe had to learn to value all the ways his wife fed him beautiful food.

All this learning is what leads to a truly shared life.

Here’s an example:

Start with the warm opener of, “Can I tell you some of the ways I appreciate the help you bring into my life?” Who’s gonna say no to that?

Notice the body language of your sweetheart when you say these things. Notice because it feels good to see your sweetheart. Watch as the pride in your Partner shines through.

When David appreciates things I do to make his life run more smoothly, at first I looked away. Appreciation is vulnerable! But he kept doing it, and now, I’m all smiles and, often, I hug him and say, “I love helping you! You’re my favorite person to help!”

Then notice if the Partner inside of you wants to be seen. If so, you can kindly and cleanly say, “I’d love to know the ways you find me helpful in your life.”

Here’s a trick though…give your sweetheart some time. Sometimes a question like that overwhelms someone and they feel like they’re being tested.

Then ask, “Would you tell me some of the ways I’m helpful to you?”

Don’t worry if your sweetheart doesn’t have a list at the ready. Some people need think time and it’s hard for them to do that in your presence. Your sweetheart might feel like this is a test, and nothing gums up the ability to appreciate like feeling tested. Or on the spot.

So I’ll add this phrase, “I’d love to know some of the ways you feel like I help you in our life. Would you tell me about that later this week?” That takes the pressure off, but is a clear ask for the Partner inside of you who wants to be seen.

What does your recipe for a Partner date look like?

1. What regular conflict do you have with your sweetheart that involves the logistics of living together?
2. What is the dream that underlies that conflict? What are you hoping will come from sharing this life with your sweetheart?
3. How can you build a bridge from your conflict to your dream?
4. Then I urge you to plan to fail. You can say something like, “I may not always remember to wipe up my toast crumbs. Will you gently make fun of me when I forget?” What is the way you might fail your partner date routines?
5. Then begin again. There’s always a sponge and another day to wipe away those crumbs. Don’t beat yourself up for your failures. This doesn’t help your relationship. Simply begin again with a cheerful attitude.

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