What kind of Friendship date is good for your relationship?
Has life been noisy and busy and you just need some time of shared silence to both reset? What style of date would help you hush the ever-present noise filling your life? Maybe you need a date where you have some dedicated time to understand what your sweetheart is feeling.
Remember my framework of Partner, Lover, Friend? I’ve identified 3 roles inside your singular relationship: Partners want to achieve together. Friends assure each other we belong together. Lovers want to explore together.
- Valentine’s Day is coming up and there is a lot of pressure to have THE PERFECT date, but I want to challenge this notion of THE PERFECT date.
- Instead, I’d like to talk about great dates for the three roles inside your relationship. Let’s break it down into three episodes to talk about each role: Partner, Friend, and Lover.
- Today we’re talking about designing a great date for the Friend inside your relationship.
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What you’ll hear today
This week, I’m reviewing a few episodes from the past. You’ll hear clips of moments that contribute to what makes a great Friend date:
- You’ll hear about the calming aspect of water and how the companionship of sharing space together cultivates a deeper understanding with your sweetheart.
- I tell you about the panic zone and how it impacts the Friend role in your relationship.
- NaTasha Richburg gives you a habit to help you understand what routines make your sweetheart feel nurtured and cared for.
- You’ll hear about a time the Friendship in my relationship deepened in the mountains of Western Colorado.
- I tell you the story of my husband’s hand when the plane didn’t land.
Date Night Discussion
This week I invite you to talk about the kinds of dates that promote Friendship in your relationship. Your Friendship will be deepened by two things: talking and listening.
For the Friend, think about date nights that foster conversation. The best conversation is when you each have time and space to reveal what’s on your mind and in your heart. Those revelations need a place to land, too, so bring your best-listening-self to your Friend date night.
Your relationship is unique. In order to create dates that increase the depth of your Friendship with your spouse, think about what promotes conversation for you.
Do you talk/listen best when…
- Both of you are looking forward? Some people find it easier to talk when no one is looking right at them.
- Or do you talk/listen best when looking into each other’s faces? Some people find it easier to talk when they have eye contact.
This may seem like a silly and insignificant thing, but I’ve notice with the couples I coach that gaze is fundamental to how much conversation flows naturally and freely.
I’m definitely a talk best while chopping veggies, or walking, or doing anything thing that lets my body be a little bit busy. But I listen best when holding a gaze. How about you? How about your spouse?
If looking forward helps you to talk or listen…
- You’ll want to choose a date night that involves movement: a drive, a walk, or some other movement that helps you travel in the same direction.
- Or you could choose a date night that includes making something with your hands: cooking, gazing at a lovely sunset, or sanding your house before you paint it (but if you choose a project, agree that the project is a catalyst for conversation not completion).
If looking into each other’s eyes helps you talk/listen…
- Choose a date night that sets you across from each other: a meal, or a fire pit.
- Choose a date night that connects your bodies as you face each other: feet in each other’s lap for foot rubs.
Style your date night to talk or to listen
Now consider the style of date that helps you talk best or listen best. If your spouse talks most easily when you hold their gaze and you want your spouse to tell you things, then choose a date that will foster their desire to open up.
When my husband senses there’s a struggle between us, he asks me to sit down with him. He looks right into my eyes. Then he asks, “What’s up? Something’s bothering you.”
This is very intense for me. It’s hard for me to talk unless I’m looking away.
On the other hand, this is how I know I have David’s full attention.
Knowing this has helped us be mindful about how to foster our Friendship. Sometimes we’ll start with a full-on gaze, and then, once I know he’s really tuned in and listening intently, I’ll say, “Would you mind if we took a walk to talk about this?”
Chat with your spouse about the best date nights for The Friend in your relationship
- What kind of gaze best helps you to talk? How about listen?
- What dates are best for your relationship if you need to talk? How about if it’s time for you to listen?
- What’s your favorite cozy and comfy date?
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to put a Friendship-building date night onto your calendar.
Here’s a couple ideas for dates that tend to foster listening and talking:
- A stroll around your neighborhood after dinner
- A shared beverage with a snack
- Get out good pencils and draw each other’s eyes
- Play a game
Other great dates to build the Friendship in your marriage are things that make you feel cozy and comfy:
- Watching a movie or TV together
- Sitting together with your phones and occasionally showing each other what you’re looking at.
- Napping together
The core of building the Friend role in your relationship is about feeling known and knowing your spouse. You can actively know your spouse by talking and listening.
But you can also know and be known by your spouse when you simply share time together and notice each other. Watching a movie isn’t an active conversation, but you get to know your spouse when you notice the types of movies they choose. Likewise, when you notice what sorts of things appeal to them as they scroll their phone.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
