Tools and Invitations: Part 3 of My Coaching Framework

When anyone new starts coaching with me, they want immediate results. Even if the problem they walk into my door was created over 10 years, they want me to fix it…now. Today. In a 90-minute session. That isn’t realistic. Instead, borrow my 4-part framework so you can be your own life coach.

You don’t want a flimsy relationship that can be shifted by a fly-by-night coach offering the latest quick-fix for your relationship. Why not? Because think how shallow the roots are on that fix. The next big wind (or your next big conflict) will blow over any shallowly-rooted-relationship.

Here’s an example:

My husband injured himself earlier this year. He fell off his bike and dislocated his ankle. The fix required lots of metal and screws and a night in the hospital. He was a great sport for the 8 weeks he was on crutches. But now the hard work of rebuilding all those muscles and ligaments is really showing itself, and it’s daunting.

As a result, he was not in a great headspace yesterday and I was being incredible dense and insensitive. 20 years ago, I guarantee we would have gotten in a big fight, with each of us finding fault with the other. We would dredge up old examples to justify why we were each RIGHT and the other person was WRONG.

But, our marriage has deep roots. For decades, we’ve been operating with a framework that sets us up to remain deeply connected.

Today, I’m going to share this framework with you. It’s the same framework that I use for all my private coaching.

 

Become your own life coach: My 4-part coaching framework

This week, I’m offering you the framework that I use in my private coaching. It includes 4 key elements:

• Celebrate
• “Good to notice”
• Tools and invitations
• The Take-away

Think of a way in which you’d like your relationship to change, and let’s go through my framework together so that, 20 years from now, or 20 days, or even 20 minutes from now, you have a better framework to connect you to your partner than, “Well, I’m RIGHT and you’re WRONG.”

After a client coaches with me, I send a detailed summary with notes about what we discussed, framed up in a way that my client can begin to think about their life, and their relationship, differently. And they can have a specific and practical tool to help them practice the shift we explored in our session.

Because when you can have a different perspective, and a simple, clear way to practice that renewed perspective, everything is able to change.

#3: Tools and invitations

This section provides the homework, the practice, or the tool that will create real change in a client’s life.

No matter how many times I help my client work things out in a session, real change only happens when you practice a tool away from my office.

One of my clients, who’d been working with me for several years in a variety of capacities said to me, “You have an endless supply of tools!”

I’d love to think that was true. I do think one of my superpowers is finding a small practical way to create big, sustainable change.

My tools tend to fall into one of the following categories:

• Change your mindset
• Practice a habit
• Sample script
• Celebrate a moment

Let’s take them one by one.

 

Tool #1: Change your mindset

One of the most effective things I do with clients in a private session is help them shift their mindset.

Why is this important? Because mostly we go about our days mindlessly moving from one activity to another. If your fixed mindset is “I’m in a hurry” you will experience the world very differently from a person whose fixed mindset is “I want to make sure the people I love know that I love them.”

You can imagine how big a difference this might make in the way you experience the world, right?

The “I’m in a hurry” person will be more curt in their interactions, while the “love people” person will go out of their way to offer a kind word or a hug. Or simply STAY for the whole conversation.

There’s nothing inherently better or worse about the above two mindsets, but they will give you very different results. I know because it is not uncommon for me to have an “I’m in a hurry” mindset. I love getting stuff done. I’m fast and efficient, and I see lots of results and I like that rush.

But sometimes, I plow people over in my pursuit to get things accomplished. And, wow! Do my relationships suffer as a result.

As a result, I’ve worked hard to shift my mindset. My deepest values are that people around me feel seen, valued, and loved. It bothered me when that wasn’t how people experienced me.

This shift didn’t happen all by itself. I needed to spend time reflecting on how moments unfolded: the rushed moments and the love-filled moments.

My reflections—which included pondering as I drove in my car, writing things down, and actually circling back to the plowed-over people in my life—helped me see how my mindset literally set me up for the relationships I enjoyed (or was embarrassed about).

Once, when I was volunteering at my daughter’s school, she pulled me aside before I arrived and said, “Mom, don’t do your fast-thing here.”

Why would she say that to me? What was she afraid I would ruin for her? People’s small comments will help you to check your default mindset if you are open to hearing how people experience you.

What kind of default mindset do you have? Is that mindset helping you to live according to your deepest values? Based on your default mindset, how do the dearest people in your life experience you?

Let’s take a different sort of mindset as an example. About 30% of the people who work privately with me are trying to write a book, or prepare for a speech they’re giving at work, or get clarity on the brand they’re putting into the world.

One of the big changes these people need to make, before they write anything or begin outlining their talk, is to change their internal mindset.

Let’s take someone who wants to write a book. But their mindset is “The world isn’t gonna care about what I have to say.” Well, that thought is a recipe for failure before she’s even put her fingers on the keyboard.

So we go searching for that singular person whose life will be improved by her book. When someone has a singular person who needs to hear what you have to say, your words are magically transformed. They’re empowered by your emotional connection to that particular person. I’ve watched this happen over and over.

What is the particular project you want to get out into the world? What is your inner dialogue when it comes to that project? How is your inner dialogue—or your mindset—influencing your ability to accomplish that project?

OK. I hope you see how critical mindset is to being able to live the life that is your unique happily ever after. Now let’s move on to tool #2.

 

Tool #2: Practice a habit

The next type of tool I use is a habit that can be practiced. The key with finding a habit to practice is to identify the stumbling block that’s keeping you stuck or repeating the foibles you hope to overcome. We use the “noticing” tools we talked about earlier to identify this magical spot where a habit can come in and do the work of moving you from your stuck place to your happily ever after.

Here are some examples of habits my clients have found over the years. The key is to identify the idiosyncratic habit that will move you from stuck to skyrocket.

 

Laugh.

Laughter is the number one thing that will get you unstuck. That’s because it feels like play. Children don’t know how to be stuck because, as they are learning everything they need to learn, from walking to riding a bike to asking for what they want, everything is play.

Everything is permission. Everything is OK, and nothing is off-limits.

I’ve helped clients develop a multitude of habits that make them laugh. One client, who was an engineer with a precise ability to use an X-Acto knife, took a goofy picture and decoupaged it onto a tiny flat stone and stuck it in his pocket. Another client watched a video of her granddaughter. Another stood on her head…well…attempted to stand on her head, and her failed attempts at head standing never failed to leave her flopped over on the floor laughing at herself.

After these laughing touchstones, these clients felt emboldened to tackle the tough thing they knew was the bridge from here to the happily ever after they longed for.

 

Rest.

My next set of tools fall under the loose category of rest. I’m going to link to an episode I have about the 3 kinds of rest, because not all rest is created equal. But all true rest is an engine booster. I see people who can’t get themselves to do the biggest thing that aligns with their values: like stop yelling at their kids for example.

Then they rest. And, magically, their patience is lengthened tremendously.

This young mom was aghast at how often she yelled at her kids. (I could relate, I told her. I was a yeller early on in my parenting.) But she couldn’t figure out how to stop herself. I invited her to get up before her kids and take up running. She resisted at first, “I’m already exhausted!” she told me.

“Exercise is rest,” I promised her after first asking what time she went to bed and awakened. “You’ll be amazed how much patience exercise can help you find.”

One of my clients was struggling at work. So we created an entire hand-washing ritual complete with wonderful smelling soap, a soft towel, and deep-lower-back-breathing. She revolutionized the way she dealt with difficult people at work.

When I can’t seem to get myself to do the work that I know will make me happy, I go watch television. Television—especially rewatching things I’ve seen over and over—is amazing at filling my tank.

 

Eat the shit sandwich.

Finally, there is the habit of eating your shit sandwich. I recorded a whole episode dedicated to this topic. Here’s the hard truth of being a human: for every dream you have, there is almost certainly a terrible, horrible shit sandwich that comes with that dream.

The name—eating the shit sandwich—and its explanation come from Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. The premise is that some things just suck. But the things we want live on the other side of that sandwich.

I don’t know why that is. I just know that it is true. And I also know that suffering is highly correlated to how much you resist the things that are true. So sometimes I just say to my clients, “How much are you gonna resist? And how much are you gonna persist?”

Then I caution them: don’t try to eat more than one shit sandwich in a day. If you try to delay all the tough things and put them into a single day…you will procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate.

Until your dream dies.

If you know that what’s standing in the way of your happily ever after with your partner is a frank investigation of how you each spend money, don’t delay. Carve out 2 hours on each of your calendars and get all your lousy spending habits out in the open where you can see them and tackle them one by one.

If you know that what’s standing in the way of your happily ever after is a new job in a new city, make a list of the TEENY TINY steps it will take to make that move and tackle one of those things each week. Take me seriously when I say teeny tiny.

Here’s an example: Open a google doc and title it shit sandwich tasks that will lead to a new job: then write the phrase “Read one small article about designing a resume” on that list.

Next week, read the one small article, and write one more thing on the google doc for you to do next week. Your list might include:

• Make a list of search terms I could use on LinkedIn
• Go onto LinkedIn and spend 20 minutes seeing what those search terms identified
• Find one employer who fits the description of my desired job
• Examine your contacts for possible links to that employer
• If you have none, examine possible secondary links to that employer

With the shit sandwich tool specificity is key. The other key is to have clarity when you’ve accomplished a task. Last key, make the tasks so ridiculously small that you can quickly gain momentum that you’re gettin’ ‘er done.

Completion is an accelerant like nothing else.

The next tool I offer people, after shifting their mindset and practicing a habit, is a sample script.

 

Tool #3: Sample script

Sometimes when you’re doing something you’ve never done before, you simply don’t have the words. So, I loan my client some words.

Your brain works on neural pathways. Those pathways are formed by words. This is a gross simplification, but it helps you understand why, when you want to do something, but you don’t know how, it really, really helps if someone else can give you the words.

You don’t even need to use those exact words, but practicing with someone else’s words until you can find the words that feel organic in your own mouth? That can be a life-saver.

Here are 2 types of sample scripts I’ve given to clients over the years:

Seeking a raise: I’ve come in today with a list of my accomplishments this year. I wanted to give you tangible evidence that I’m valuable to you and to this company. Based on this list of things you’ll be able to see how I’ve improved our bottom line in the following areas. As a result, I’d like to ask for a 6% raise.

Wanting a deeper sexual connection: I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but I really love having sex with you and feel like it’s an important part of our relationship. I think my inability to talk about what I want makes it impossible for you to know how to be a better lover. And vice versa. So, I bought this deck of cards. Will you play the game of drawing a card and talking about what’s on the card with me?

Neither of these clients used my exact words. But we practiced those scripts over and over, refining them until they were comfortable that we’d gotten close enough that they could go home and practice and refine on their own.

By starting to articulate their dream, they created neural pathways in their brain. Then we found all sorts of other stumbling blocks we could work through. Stumbling blocks like “But I’m not worthy,” or “But what if my boss doesn’t agree?”

Then we had the next thing to notice, develop a habit or practice, and find the new words they could say.

Coaching—whether you go to a professional and let yourself be guided, or you find a way to coach yourself—is all about patterns.

Plan. Do. Review. Notice yourself. Create a habit that shifts your behavior. Find the words that empower you.

 

Tool #4: Celebrate a moment

Then, finally, celebrate your successes.

This is my final invitation to people: celebrate! We’ve already talked about how powerful celebrating your strengths and you tiny milestones can be.

So what about you? Which part of my toolkit will help you most today? What area of your life will it help you to get curious about? What tiny habit or practice will create the incremental change you long for? If you don’t have the words for the change you want to make, who do you know that can help you find those words?

How about you? Which tool that I’ve described will best set you on a springboard for your happily ever after?

 

Do you want to coach with me?

I have open spots in my private coaching practice. That doesn’t happen very often, so I’d love to extend that invitation to you if you’ve been wanting to coach with me.

Reach out via my text number, 970-210-4480, or you can go to this page on my website. I can’t wait to get to know you.